• Bionca Smith

When A Single Mother Chooses to Heal With The Right Help


When a single mother chooses to heal with the right help, blessings rain over the pain and clears it all out.

My story of struggle to success has always been a process because I'm constantly setting biggers goals for myself. There's just one part of the process that unfortunately, never gets old; experiencing adversity along side climbing the already unfamiliar and seemingly unfair mountain. There's are levels to this thing! 😂👏🏾

Food for thought: Why is it that we want great things, but don't want the adversity that comes with our desired blessings? Isn't it foolish to expect everything in life to be smooth sailing? How can someone become skilled at something without a challenge? Perhaps we should normalize responding to adversity, not by expecting or neglecting it but buy being prepared just like we would for any other natural disaster. Right? Can we normalize a first aid kit for heartache and trauma?

Have you ever been exhausted and frustrated after going through something traumatic, healing and then experiencing something else traumatic and starting the process all over again? 😔

Have you ever been vulnerable and brave enough to share your pain, ask for help from friends or family and they hurt you even more? 😖😢

The cycle sucks doesn’t it?🙄 😡 The good news is that with a new level of awareness, personal responsibility and raising your standards, you can limit the number of times you have to take on the costs and consequences that come from making the same mistakes. You have to put your foot down and pick your battles and hand off the ones that are too big for you to control. I’m sharing this because this is what I’ve had to do and it hasn’t been easy. The hardest part has been feeling all alone in the process. The good news is that loneliness is a choice.

Everyday I share my personal life with the public but behind closed doors my son and I have carried a lot more than what most people know about but I’m sure they can relate to.

Things like not playing the victim while I am the victim. I.e Being a single mom and receiving annoying letters from child support every 3 months because the father doesn’t want to pay $188 a month for 18 years. Or being called “too nice” because you don’t pursue legal action against them.

I deal with the task and guilt that comes with trying to get my almost teen boy around emotionally healthy and hardworking men but I wasn't raised by one so it’s like an experiment trying to figure out what a man’s responsibility and love should look like.

These are only a few personal things that I’ve had to struggle with beyond building a platform to inspire other mothers to create their own lane for success. I’ve learned so many times that there are certain things that you have to let go of and give to someone more powerful or that is a professional at handling something that is beyond what you can do. This is why I sought out God, a family therapist and wise counsel! Through God, our therapist and wise counsel, I am learning to set healthy boundaries that no longer make me feel like I’m overextending myself to get the bare minimum from people to create a false reality that I would live in.

I got tired of trying to be Mrs. Fix it and then be labeled something that I’m not.

I was tired of carrying the load from people that hurt me and never wanted to carry their own load beside me as I carried mine.

I used to be frustrated when I would over glorify the people to boost them up and then behind closed doors, they were laughing at me.

I was tired of the gossiping behind my back and the lack of civil solutions being presented.

I as tired of being silenced and them shamed for something up about my buried pain.

I was tired of making decisions out of love, while also being abandoned or threatened by other people’s fear.

I was exhausted from fighting battles with people that don’t share the same core values.

I realized that being tired and exhausted was holding me down at times when I needed to be flying!

I was tired of my son watching me fall into the same traps due to my lack of setting boundaries and sticking to them!

The reality is that life hits differently when you are penalized and set back, then have to take on the responsibility for your own actions and the grown people that avoid responsibility and will never meet you ½ way to do the work. When it’s all on you, this should be even more reason to solely focus on YOU!

Self care and self love means no longer holding other people’s load.

I hope that in sharing this that it uplifts and encourages another mother to do the following:

  1. Take a step back and get an overview of how life looks compared to how you want it to be and think about what needs to happen to make the end goal solidify into a reality.

  2. Set healthy healing boundaries unapologetically.

  3. Practice mindfulness. Observe more, Speak less and be slow to react and instead , respond accordingly to your desired outcomes.

  4. Journal your process. Honor your emotions, let it out on paper and later, reflect back on your growth so that you can extend wisdom and help someone else.

  5. Establish and keep your core values in front of you. You'll attract the people that value the same things which will eliminate a lot of let downs from expectations not being met.

  6. Normalize conversation around therapy, counseling and prayer on your circle. You don't have to figure out things alone or in a circle where everyone is fighting their own battles. Invest in help like your life depends on it because it does!

  7. Explore your passions and honor your purpose! Someone needs you to show up and be a blessing to them so that they can be a blessing to you. 😀

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